Clear Communication and The Art of Saying No

It's not only acceptable, but important, to speak out about your feelings and to say no. Clear communication is key. Here are the steps.

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Clear Communication

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As caregivers, we give. We generally do it without complaint. We always put ourselves and our needs second; or third. We rarely say no. We often stretch ourselves so thin that we wonder how we bounce back most days.

What we don’t do is define roles, assign responsibilities, or delegate tasks. We don’t ask for help, we definitely don’t speak out about our feelings, and we don't express ourselves in a way that helps others understand how to relate to us.  Namely because, first, we don’t respect our own feelings.

Needs can (sometimes) be set aside, though feelings typically cannot. Positive feelings of excitement, joy, and happiness are given open range and expressed freely, but negative feelings of fear, frustration, and resentment get suppressed or bottled up. It’s only through giving them range, as well, however, that they resolve. It’s okay to speak out about your feelings.

As a caregiver, you likely have more fragile emotions and greater sensitivity to what you perceive as criticism from others due to continuous pressures and stressors, so it’s difficult not to, first, take others’ comments so personally, and then, refrain from blowing up at the people who say them.

Well, how do I do that?

Often comments come from those who have no caregiving experience themselves, and although they are usually well-intentioned, this often makes them more offensive. Unfortunately, there are very few tips for maintaining your composure, other than taking a couple of deep breaths or counting to 3 (or 5 or 10) before responding, but you must respond calmly and respectfully to whatever is said - for your own sake and sanity.

Next is to communicate clearly. This means using “I” statements (owning your feelings and making them known) rather than “you” statements (blaming or insulting others). For example, saying “I need a hand” rather than “You never help me.”

It also means staying in the present and not revisiting the past. Bringing up past mistakes, old patterns, or hurts - whether yours or theirs - isn’t productive and won’t accomplish what’s needed now. This approach will only serve to set you back.

Giving voice to your feelings is also not the same as complaining. Giving voice to your feelings can flip the script with others, grant you confidence or relief, and even help motivate those around you to action.  Good communication helps others understand your limits and needs. People will inevitably say unhelpful things to you, though you have an opportunity to help them adopt a better approach that is more considerate of your role as a caregiver.

Again, how do I do that?

These recommended steps may seem straightforward and simple, and their directness may make us caring individuals uncomfortable to deliver, though when it comes to clear and effective communication, they work.

Work on saying no

Practice, practice, practice. This doesn’t mean to start saying no to everything. As a caregiver, that would be an impossibility anyway, but you can start to use these methods when you need to say no. These methods can help alleviate your discomfort with saying no, as well as ensure others understand what you say.

It is not at all unreasonable or disrespectful to be diplomatic and truthful about saying no!

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RESOURCES

National Council on Aging (NCOA)

Today's Caregiver

No content in this app, regardless of date, should ever be used as a substitute for direct medical advice from your doctor or other qualified clinician.

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